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The real life drama of the tween...
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Recently on facebook one of my friends (who also is a family member) posted a status that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. I could hear the frustration and feel the sadness from reading it...here is what she wrote:
"What the hell am I supposed to do about my skinny 10 year old begging me to let her go on a diet? I have told her again and again that she's not fat that she is skinny but she's not believing me. Any suggestions?"
This disturbed me in so many ways. We all talk about media and hollywood and how it's turned our society into a pit of botox, boobs and rehab, but we are the ones still buying the music, the magazines and watching the shows that portray the false images of young women today. How in the world are our daughters supposed to feel beautiful and amazing when at 9, 10, 11 years old they are being bombarded with unrealistic expectations not only in the media but at school and home? In reality, our world for young girls and women just doesn't work that way. Girls are mean, petty, who has the best clothes, who takes the most vacations, who has highlights (yes, highlights) and who gets to dress like a nine year old Brittney Spears. It will be a cold day in hell when my daughter shows up at school looking like Kesha. For those of you who don't know who that is consider yourself lucky.
I can hear the negative nellies out there right now...it's the parent's responsibility to teach and role model for their children and this is nothing new and you're over reacting...blah blah blah and I whole heartedly agree to all those statements BUT I hate to be the bearer of bad news...no matter how hard you try to protect your girl's self esteem, there will be a girl in your daughter's class who takes her self esteem and crushes it under her $100 insulated rainboot and will proceed to tell YOUR daughter she doesn't measure up in some way. Does this bother anyone else or is it just me! The drama of it all really wears me down. I can't tell you how many times my daughter has come home only to start reading labels because someone told her she was fat. Her $400 glasses sit on her desk in her bedroom because apparently "only losers wear glasses". The newest insult is that she "must" wear her hair down because apparently her ears are huge. Seriously...what the hell is going on in other people's homes???
Yes, I know, I know...you're reading this and saying "this is the way things are now", but does it have to be? I don't think so. I honestly feel that as parents we put way to much pressure on our kids, especially our daughters. Why do they have to be good at EVERYTHING? Why can't they be good at being a kid? Between sports and music and school and swimming, being the next big you tube star and running for office, kids don't know know whether they are coming or going let alone what they are truly good at, what their true gifts are. OUR desire for our children to be the best is doing nothing but hurting their self esteem and their childhood. I know what you are going to say..."I don't like it either, but if we don't follow suit, then our kid wil be left behind." Again, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but unless your child is amazingly gifted (and you will know) missing a season of soccer is not going to ruin the kid's chances of being the next Beckham. Don't even get me started on the social networking bullying and the heartbreaking rise of teen suicide. Anyway...that is a topic for another blog completely.
Back to the topic at hand. How am I single handedly changing the world...I am starting with myself.
As much as I tell my daughter that she's wonderful and can do anything, she's learning more by my actions than by my words. I wasn't even aware of the negative messages I had been sending to my daughter and once I took a step back and looked how I portrayed myself, it's no wonder she is confused. For every negative statement that comes out about myself, everytime I let someone treat me badly, everytime I don't stand up for I know to be right, everytime I ooh and ahh over a friend's new shoes, everytime I cave and buy the really awesome "whatever" because "so and so has it"..it all adds up to some mixed messages for my daughter.
So, I made it a personal goal to stop this negative pattern and start accepting myself for who and what I am...not easy let me tell you. I hope that if I can love myself a little more gently then perhaps she will too. I still give the pep talks and tell her she is absolutely amazing and tell her she is perfect just how she is. I encourage her to be friends with the underdog and treat people how she would like to be treated. We have gone over the old "never judge a book by it's cover" a million times. I encourage her to embrace the things that she loves, even if her friends think she's "weird". Our daily mantra is "Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have."
So...where do you start helping your daughter realize how truly amazing she really is?
I purchased a book on the recommendation from a friend called "American Girl, The care and Keeping of You." The writing is amazing and geared toward the tween girls. I have been reading it with my own daughter and encouraging discussions that way. I highly recommend this book to anyone with a tween daughter.
Another thing that I have taken on with absolute determination is letting her know that no matter what, everyone has value. I stumbled across a website that really inspired me and since then have been following through http://www.operationbeautiful.com
Everyday, my daughter wakes up to a message on a sticky note on her bedroom mirror (because lord knows that is where she spends alot of her time these days) Messages like: You have an amazing laugh...You are a great friend...Your creativity makes you special...Your smile makes me smile...I love that chemistry excites you...The love and light you put into the world will come back to you a million times...There has never been another you. With no effort on your part you were born to be something very special...
You get the idea. Infact, my son was feeling a little put off by the attention, so he has started receiving notes in his lunch bag because boys are beautiful too 
Talk to your friends who have daughters...share advice. We live in such a strange society these days that everything is a secret...no one can know that our kid is having a problem. It's strange and sad.
My daughter is been involved in yoga for some time now! It's a great way to keep her physically active, mentally balanced and spiritually healthy. She feels so good after a session, she glows from within herself and that's all that matters to me.
Here are some replies to the original Facebook status. Feel free to comment and add your ideas on how we can encourage our daughter's uniqueness, beauty and self esteem.
~You could also show her Canada's food guide and tell her that is the only diet she needs to worry about
~ Men's magazines have a lot of articles about what men find beautiful... And it's not skinny. Lol.
~ Get someone who's not her mom telling her or a family member. Also the guidance councellors can talk to them. I went through this with both my girls and now they have a good understanding of health vs. what we think is healthy. Girls are so very self conscious. She does know me quite well too and I have been through this personally and with my own. I would happily talk with her if you want.
~Perhaps a photo shoot like we did? dress up and get picture taken ..she gets to feel all pretty...
~So let her go on a diet. Just make it so that she's eating healthy food and getting the recommended calories that she needs. She will learn healthy eating habits and shouldn't have any problems with it.
~Maybe this is something I can address during the next BD session? I know that sometimes kids just need to hear things from someone other than their parents ........
~Change the whole families diet as well..perhaps only for a limited amount of time.. but pretty good thinking
~Gentle hugs...
~books that promote female assertiveness, self esteem promotion, awareness that what matters most is health and self confidence...just a thought
~Another thought...I'd shy away from the word diet and try to shift her focus to healthy eating and lifestyle choices...sports involvement might be a good idea too
We already know the greatest gift we can give our children is time and undivided attention. This fact is especially true in relation to building self-esteem. Listening does not have to occur in huge quantities to be effective. Even ten minutes of true attention is worth more than three hours of being "together" but never really focusing on what your tween is saying. Being a good listener means not offering judgments, criticisms or even advice. Simply hear what your child is saying and restate his or her comments to show that you're listening. Isn't that what we all want anyway.
Love and light,
Carri
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4 Comments
Our kids are growing up faster than when we were younger, both physically and emotionally, but the school system hasn't changed. What I mean to say is that my daughter (the one that started your blog entry) is 10, therefore still in public school (grade 5) The public school doesn't have guidance counsellors. You only get the priveledge of having problems you might want to talk about when you reach high school. So, the closest thing the public schools have are the school nurse, who only comes in something like 2 times per month. Now I did the right thing and have the school nurse talking to her next time she comes in but I think in this day and age we need counsellors in our public schools, at least once a week.
Second I also discovered there aren't any programs in the community to help with self esteem, after calling all the different agencies i could think of, the only suggestion they could come up with is take her to a dietition. The point is NOT to have her go on a diet. I think a program, like a group, that meets and does self esteem related activities, an open forum where kids can talk, led by a counsellor would be beneficial to the whole community.
Third comment I will make is about program that someone told me about. I still have to research it, and apparantly fight to have it at her school, but it's called "Go Girl" and it's put on by big brothers big sisters (apparantly) The woman I talked to about it said that it was time once per week that girls who wanted to participate were taken from class and work on self esteem, body image etc. Will let you know how it goes finding more info on that. This sounds great BUT it is still in the schools, not the community - and it's NOT available at every school - the parent I talked to had to fight to get it in her kids school. Why do some schools get the priveledge of having these programs and others never hear about them?
Last I agree whole heartedly with everything you said. You try so hard as a parent, building your kids up. But no matter how many times a parent - or anyone else says - you are beautiful, perfect. It only takes one person to say "you're fat" to undo everything we've worked hard to build up. The self esteem of little girls - tweens - is such a fragile and delicate thing. It's easier to believe the bad things than the good. I am working on building her up again.
My biggest concern is to make sure this doesn't blow up into an eating disorder, or a follower mentality. Meaning a girl who does anything to fit in. I want so much for my daughter and all the daughters and sons out there that it hurts me to watch her struggle with this stuff when she's so young.
thanks for the thoughts.
gloria
I consider myself the defender of the underdog, teach my daughter to be the same, there can never be too much kindness, blah, blah, blah. But then embarrassment set in when I realized I was the parent of the kid who has highlights and has more clothes than one kid would ever need. And why? probably because of my own self-esteem issues. I guess I hope that I can save her some the pain I feel buy giving her "stuff". Don't get me wrong, stuff doesn't replace love - I hug and kiss that kid like crazy but the stuff keeps her "safe" out in the world, helps her fly under the radar.
I encourage her to do what she thinks makes her feel beautiful and the purple highlights were what she wanted. But if you know her, it's the wacky that makes her feel like her.
I know you didn't write this to make anyone feel like they have to justify their lifestyles, but I want people to see that it's not always out of greed, inflated egos and "whoever dies with the most wins".
In all this, she still has ended up with a pretty good idea of what makes her - her and has no problem letting everyone know it.
Working in mental health, I realize that there is not a lot out there for kids, boys or girls. If you want a great program that addresses eating issues, there's an amazing one - of course it's in London. The Huron-Perth Centre offers counselling for young children or maybe you have an EAP through your work that could help find some help.
The diet issue just opens up so many other issues, it's so scary kids this age are worrying about this.
My heart really does go out to kids these days, especially girls.
As for feeling guilty Kari, you are not alone. There are lots of things I have said and done that have done to promote the exact opposite of healthy esteem for my daughter. I know 100% where you are coming from re. flying under the radar. You want the best for your kids, and if purple highlights encourage her uniqueness, then go for it
Thanks again for posting
I think what you are doing - examining your own messages to your daughter - is both amazing and brave. It takes guts to admit you might be part of the problem with how she perceives the world. I think she's got a stand-up role model in you, both of your kids do, keep being awesome!
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